Say it all loud

I went to my mom's bed yesterday (dad was outside) and just told: 'Mommy, hug me'. She did and also listened to everything I wanted to say. I told about everything, being nothing, Susanne and even about suicidal thoughts on New Year's Eve. She said she'd do anything to help me. Even when I don't know what does it mean. Psychologist? I'm not sure if I wanna go there.
Now she says I'm her sweetheart, she loves me more than I think and so on. What's weird it really makes me feel a bit better.

+ Ava will never be my friend. She has her friends (Susanne&Caroline) and she's completely different. Different from me.

Enough

Okay. That's enough, that's fucking enough.
I hate my stupid cat eating every headphones and loaders she sees. The only thing I wanna do is kill her and make some chops from her meat. And a pillow from her body.
I hate myself what's obvious.
I hate Susanne making me feel like shit. Everytime. Feel like she doesn't need me (cause she doesn't), like I'm only disturbing her and her friends (cause I do disturb as I can see). New friends. I don't even wanna talk to her. I don't wanna feel this way anymore, it really really hurts. Who would have thought that I'll prefer to talk to Eyebrows than to her.

I just don't wanna live right now, just hide under the quilt and never go out.
I'm gonna go to the specialist. In the coming week. I swear.

Polite nerd

Having headache for six days, I think because of sinuses, really waiting for spring. Plus pancakes with vanilla yogurt and raspberry jam, this is love.
I came home and sat behind my desk. Opened my book from English, did the homework, now writing e-mail in Russian. In a beautifully organised way what happens so rarely. It should be always like that but my motivation disappears after one day.
It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, can't wait for not getting any card, though you can get used to it. After years. But what's worse, this year I won't even get it from friends. I just don't have them right now.

French kisses

Yes, believe me when I say: if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be so unhappy and such an I-don't-have-any-friends type of person. That's quite weird about love that gives you such comfort as tolerating who you are and not caring what other people really think about you. The reason why I want to fall in love. What in my case will probably never be a cause of a real relationship. I'm guessing if I'm gonna kiss before my 18th birthday! Especially when my french kisses are happening accidentally and with my cat and dog! That's so so pathetic. 

Finding love?

I don't know why Susanne thinks I want to hide any relationship... I really don't have boyfriend - who would be such a masochist to stay with me? I just hate when someone's touching my phone - plus there are photos that shouldn't be seen, by anyone. This is why I tried to take it from her, nothing more. Oh, but secrets are so okay, I can pretend to be in love, I love such problems and understatements... while I'm waiting to spend my 15th Forever Alone Valentine's Day. How lovely.

Time for changes

I'm guessing it's the right time to stop hating myself for what I can't really change. Maybe I don't need professional help but just a serious look inside myself. I'm tired of crying every evening when I'm lying in bed and thinking I'm nothing.
It should be time for finding friends but I'm afraid. Afraid of disappointment. It have already happened so many times that I don't wanna risk. No one can be named as my friend, not after what had happened in December and January. Because when I lose a close person, I'll know it wasn't a real friendship.